I don't know - I feel for you. If your health is such that getting pregnant could be dangerous to you it might be worth going back on prevention to protect your health. I would also recommend you (and your husband if you can get him to go) attend therapy. This is a form of grief for you. I wish I could offer more advice but not having children of my own because of life-threatening birth defects in my own body I am not one who can give the best advice. All I can give is my support for you in your working through this problem. I do feel therapy is in your best interest, however.