Ahh religion, always a good topic for debate.. Seriously though, no debating from me.

I was raised by very very religious foster parents (bear with me..) - I grew up knowing "God".
God is something that I grappled with for many years as an adult. I share the same feelings of injustice, and at times complete bewilderment.

I was deployed to some places I doubt even the devil would walk, and saw things that will forever stay with me.

During that time I felt your anger, your frustration, your bitterness, your pain. The feeling of being insignificant, small, unloved by anything. But believe me, screaming at something that you believe is imaginary won't be helping you go anywhere fast in this one.

I am no longer religious in the conventional sense.. You could loosely tie me to Buddhism I suppose, but i'll save that for another thread.

Before I completely lose track of where this is going - Honestly I don't truly understand the question you are asking, so i can't really answer it. Know though that you are never alone on PC.

I've found that many times someone just needs to hold the right door open for me, and give a gentle nudge in the right direction to give me clarity in a situation.
You have clearly been deeply affected by what has happened and are having a difficult time accepting what has happened, which believe me, i know that feeling well. It will come. Accepting what has happened is not a sign of weakness, it is also not the same as letting go. With time you will figure out how to deal with the strong emotions and feelings you are experiencing.

As someone, somewhere once said - When you're already rock bottom, the only way is up..