Dear T,

i want to know what you know, or what you think you know. Who am i in your eyes? What do you see? Who do you think i am? i want to know what my successes and failures are in showing myself to you... i want to know what you see that i did not intend or what you see that i have meant to hide.

i want you to tell me again... tell me again that it hit you hard to read about my past. Tell me again because the words are like water to a dying thirst. Tell me again because i don't believe you... i must believe you... i cannot believe you. It's too insigificant.. too stupid. If it really is as bad as you say then it means something horrible happened to me and i have to face it as such, rather than the nonchalant way i do now... it means i suffered and i have to reconnect with that pain... maybe it's not so bad... maybe you are just exaggerating to give me validation.

but tell me again anyway... it made my heart almost stop

tell me that you won't leave me... tell me again that you are not going anywhere.

tell me if you give a %#@&#! about what happens to me

tell me if i am client number 145, if i am a portion of your paycheque...

or tell me you care... tell me what that means, how is that sort of caring defined.

tell me again how what i wrote about what happened struck you more than what you usually see, even though you said you see a lot. Tell me because i always felt like my experiences were somehow not enough to qualify as any sort of victim of anything. Tell me how not to become a victim now, but how to acknowledge the small and vulnerable victim i was then.

tell me you see me... ME

tell me you hear me in here... and tell me what you think i am saying. Tell me that the screams i make are making it to you... that you know i am dying behnd this facade

do you know me? even some of me?

you want me to learn to trust you... and bless you for going as slow as i need... for not pushing me too soon... for knowing your craft well enough to know how to handle me gently.

do you trust me? would you trust me? what does that trust look like?

what does it really mean to trust you? that i can just say what i want? that i know you won't run sscreaming? that i know you won't try to hurt me? what does it mean? how will i know when i get there?

tell me how to survive this.. this crisis i face... how do i stay alive?

tell me you will be there and you will hold my hand (figuratively).

tell me