Thanks so much. I am not in therapy but I think the root cause is grief. My sister died and it seems the depression kicked in about six months after she died, but it wasn't just about her, it was loss on many levels. I tried (unsuccessfully) to find a grief counselor. I was "refused" by my local grief center for counseling because they said I had "complicated grief issues" and I kind of gave up after that. It has only been very recently that I have been bringing these issues into the light to examine them. Another problem was I tried contacting family members to discuss feelings around losing my sister, and it was shocking how invalidating everyone was. So coming from a family of origin that is so invalidating of basic emotions like grief...no wonder I have been messed up. Thank you so much for your supportive comments. It was like a ray of sunshine in a bleak, dark atmosphere.