Sometimes it helps just to be heard. I know that when I have a lot of problems and try to explain them to others they often will say invalidating things. This is mostly because they can't solve my problems for me, and it frustrates them, I guess. So they will say things like, "It's not that bad," or "That won't happen," etc. What I hear from you is a lot of worry about the future. Maybe things have not worked out for you in the past and you don't expect anything different from the future. I think you are stuck in rumination. It might help to do some side thing to distract you and give your mind a rest. I am going to start increasing my exercise as I would like to start running, and also, I want to start swimming more.

It is really difficult to feel you aren't strong enough to lead things in a positive direction.

But I will say that you are very articulate in stating your problem. You sound more frustrated than confused. I hope you keep going. There are friends in your future waiting to meet you. (An old professor of mine said that to me...and it was the truth.)

Best of luck to you, SarahSweden.