Well, I am on a new path.
I have finally asked my doctor for help and I am on medication for depression.
I have tried to gritty teeth and bear it, but I couldn't do so any longer. I hate it that I feel "weak" but I have concluded that what I feel doesn't make sense. I am tired of pretending, tired of feeling worthless, tired of not coping and being emotionless and useless. So today was my first day of medication. Just hope it works. Funny, but I felt better today, maybe because I feel there is hope. I actually took a step and took action. We'll see if it's the right step.