I saw T yesterday. We discussed some of the more difficult aspects of my childhood. It was a session that I stayed completely grounded during and I wonnder if that has some effect on how I have been feeling all day.

On my drive to work I felt as if I should be allowed to stay home and cry all day. Of course I went to work. But as soon as I got home, the sad and lonely feelings returned. I have been working through some intense feelings related to my childhood. I lived in an alcholic, abusive, dysfunctional household but went to school everyday and got straight A's, as if that would make me seen as a whole person. As if those wonderful report cards could make my parents love me. As if....

Now, with an illness in my family I feel as though I am living a duplicitious life again where the outside world doesn't really know what's going on here at home.

This afternoon when I got home I took a nap. I had a dream that I cut myself with a razor blade, but I did it on the line on my thumb, so no-one could see the cut. Another act of hiding? Another dupllicitious act/fantasy?

I called T and he called back about an hour later. We discussed the feelings and the dream. He thought the cutting was an interesting metaphor. He didn't have much time right then. I told him I felt okay and just needed to know he was still there. He said, "I'm still here. If you need me in the morning you can call me in the car." I told him I would see him tomorrow.

I could definitely not do this without him.