I often think about the old days too. I didn't know anything about disorders. It was a roller coaster back then too, but I remember having periods of happiness. As frustrated as I am with the mental health professionals I have met, I know I sought help because I had tried to keep going on my own and ended up in a bad enough position where I didn't feel like they could make it any worse for me. The realization that there are lows beneath the bottom kind of changes that. When you struggle and fall on your own, you always think in the back of your mind, if it gets bad enough for long enough I will ask for help. The thing I did not think about, was how it would feel to be receiving "help" and still feel like your failing. It really is a different level.

I haven't gone down the medication road, against the wishes of every T I've seen. I read too many stories like yours, and lists of side effects a mile long. And the T's think meds are the magic wand, and act like they wont even try to help you through therapy with out meds on board.