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alexandra_k said:
That he has less sympathy (that he writes it off as avoiding) if I have feelings of competency or accomplishment or happiness.

Maybe because he doesn't feel so useful then?

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Sympathy or empathy? Is he feeling things for your or with you?

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Well... Maybe he can learn that I can care about him and need him very much indeed while AT THE VERY SAME TIME I'm feeling productive in my work and competent with that etc.

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I'm wondering what makes you think that you haven't demonstrated this to him already... or that he hasn't picked up on it... Just based on what you post, I would imagine that both your competency and need for him are both obvious. Do you feel like he sees it as one or the other?

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And maybe I can learn... That people can care about me while I'm feeling productive in my work and competent with that. That I don't need to be overly helpless / overly out of control / overly dependent in order to earn his love.

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So a balance between the two-- he sees you as competent and needing of him (do you think he views your competency as independence? As pushing him away?) and at the same time you can accept that he can feel connected to you even when you are not in an extreme.

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If it wasn't a mutual thing... Then why would he do it?

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It's very much a mutual thing. The reciprocity is difficult to see sometimes-- but it is there... they wouldn't do it if it wasn't there.