Hi ash21, and welcome to PC. You talked about a lot of things in your post. The thing that jumps out at me is that you have avoided having friends for a long time. I am glad that you are trying again now, and it makes sense that it would feel awkward. When I was about nine years old, I decided to stop trying to make friends too. We make decisions like that to try to avoid pain, but the result is more pain and loneliness. And it's hard to pick up where you are and start to have those relationships again.

You have been on both sides of friends not meeting each others' needs. When you avoided your friend after her dad died, maybe you didn't know how to be there for her, and maybe you didn't have the ability to give what she needed right then. When your friend didn't understand you, and suggested medication, she probably didn't know how to support you either. There is one thing that I know of that can help in those situations when they get awkward, and both of you know that someone's needs are not being met. That one thing is to talk about your real feelings. It's okay to say "I care, and I wish that I could do something to help you, but I don't really know what would help you right now." Maybe the one being supported will know what they need, like you just needed to be understood and to feel normal and okay. Sometimes all we really need is to be heard. We don't usually expect someone to fix our problems for us, but when we are listening we might get overwhelmed because we don't know how to fix it. If you can talk about what you are feeling, and ask your friend what she needs, you might not need to run away from the relationship.

I would encourage you to talk to a therapist, because these things are bothering you, and therapy can help. I would also encourage you to go ahead and read and learn about the things that interest you. Yes, it is common for people to read about personality disorders and conclude that they must have one or more. That is because personality disorders are based on normal personality traits that can become problematic when taken too far. So remember not to diagnose yourself because it is normal to have those traits to some extent. Because we all have those traits, we can all learn about ourselves and how to live more effectively when we learn about skills and treatments for people with personality disorders too. So it's okay to read about it.

All of your concerns are things that can be addressed, but they probably won't go away on their own either. It does help to talk to someone trained to help. Because of the way you think about your life events, and your insight, I hope that you don't settle for medication alone. It might help you to feel better, but I suspect that you will get more benefit from talk therapy. Not to mention the experience of being heard and understood.

TC and let us know how you are doing.

Rap