Quote:
Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight
I feel like mine with both T and marriage counselor were when it felt like something was offered or promised to me, then was taken away with what seemed like a unilateral decision by the T (future individual sessions with marriage counselor, unlimited e-mailing with T). Though each was a bit more complex than that, particularly with T. I think in both cases, it triggered fears of abandonment going back to my early years.
I got through both of them, but it took a few weeks to a month or two. And it would be like, I'd leave a session thinking, "OK, I'm good with everything now," then a few hours or a few days later, would realize that I wasn't OK. That there was more that needed to be discussed. In each case, I was able to move past it due to some combination of the following: T or MC admitted that they had made a mistake, that they'd offered something they shouldn't have, that they'd been unclear, that they felt bad about what happened, that they understood why I was upset. Had they just remained defensive and insistent that they were right, without trying to understand my perspective, then I don't think I could have moved past it.
Incidentally, the ruptures in both cases were very intense to me, with a feeling almost as if my heart was being broken, even with a physical feeling in my chest along with the emotions. That suggested to me that they were tied to childhood stuff because of the intensity. Considering that I have some transference for both, it makes sense.
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Every rupture I have had with all of my ts it has felt like heart ache a huge loss. It's definitely a young place for me, I feel like a little girl again who has been abandoned and left to process it all on my own.
I am glad that both your t and mc were able to own up to their part in their mistakes. This really makes a lot of sense that the clients who have suffered the most trauma and neglect in childhood would be so upset when their t abandons them either emotionally or by taking something away that they had promised or even by promising something they can't commit to, it's repeating a a childhood pattern that our parents laid the foundations for. I know that empathic failures are the hardest for me because my mother was never empathic and never tried to resolve or understand anything. It was always her way or the highway, t doesn't really take this into account when she doesn't understand me or misinterprets something I said. She can't hold either my anger or my sadness because her own feelings get on the way. It makes me very sad as I think we could both learn and grow from this rupture if we could resolve it together.