This does sound like a form of addiction. I think I really understand as I've struggled with various obsessions/addictions throughout my life. The shame and frustration that follows, including about all the wasted time. When you have these desires to google the T, does it typically last for a relatively short while if you resist it, or persists long at a time? Addictive urges often come in short and intense bouts (impulses), peak, and then fade out. What is often recommended when someone is trying to beat addictive urges/behaviors is to reach out for help to others who understand when the urge hits. Even if there if the responses are not directly helpful, the mere act of distraction may help allow the urge to dissipate. Posting here on PC when you feel like googling may be good, but perhaps also joining some sort of peer support group that you could access easily (not like therapy)? Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) is one that comes to mind... based on your descriptions this thing about your ex T is not exactly codependence but CoDA is supposed to be for people who want to develop healthier relationships. You could go to meetings and develop connection with other people that you could call or email when these obsessive urges hit.