Hi, I rarely post on here for fear of offending people, but I wondered if you couldn't stop googling maybe you could change your focus. Since you seem to know quite a bit about your old t maybe you could google something she does or is interested in. That might distract you, but doing it might still make you feel a bit closer and reduce the anxiety. If I was in this situation I think it would be the closeness I craved and for me sometimes doing a version of this has helped. I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds awful