So...my T and I have had a hard road the past year. I switch a lot in session, so this past year has been foggy for me. My T has said she cares about me; she even said recently she would love me no matter what. However, I am incredibly hurt by something she said the last time I saw her. I'm on break because I'm having surgery soon and go back later this month.

This past session I was watching the clock. She told me the session before I was doing that too. She said she asked me if there was anything else I wanted to talk about. I apparently became angry. I don't remember this because I had switched by that point. Well, this week I wasn't angry obviously, for I had not switched. She asked me why I watched the clock. I told her I was seeing how much time I have left. She brought up something about me wanting to be there. Well, yeah, I do want to be there because it's the only place my head doesn't go bonkers with thoughts. I admitted I like to be the one deciding to leave so I have control. She added so I don't feel hurt, which she's right about. However, this is where the hurtful part came in. All of a sudden she says, "I don't want you to be uncomfortable. I'd rather you read your s**t and leave." She means my trauma writing.

I was flabbergasted. I didn't know what to do or say. I just sat there stunned. I wanted to cry but didn't. I asked her why she was calling my trauma that. She responded, "Because I have a potty mouth." She also said she is angry with my mother for not doing her job as a mother with me, but I don't know how that fits into this situation. There was something else too, but I can't remember what else she said. She asked me if I would forgive her, and I responded, "Yeah, I guess." As I left, she watched me walk out and turned her head away when I locked eyes with her.

I am more hurt than I thought. I guess the impact took longer from shock. She's cursed before in session, which I don't care about, but she's never called my trauma s**t. It feels like she called me s**t, and I say how I feel like a piece of s**t in session sometimes. She always says that's not true, but how am I supposed to believe her now? Im on break for surgery and this is just a lot to bare. I don't trust others because if being raised in an environment where I was badly abused. Now the person I told EVERYTHING calls it s**t? What the heck am I supposed to do with that?