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Perna said:
I think how T's work, their "structure," is not about the T and whether they care or not but just about the structure they think is most helpful.

I saw her for a total of 18 years and that came to be something I could count on and use.

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I am definitely a person who likes structure and consistency. My current T seems to provide this. However, I think some things in therapy seem to be unpredictable and I need to be able to deal with these better. I guess since this is all very new to me, I just haven't asked some of the basic questions that I should have to make me feel more comfortable. For example until last week, it never occurred to me that I might want to have a "emotional distress" plan in place in the event that I wanted some guidance between sessions. When I am in uncharted territory without a clear set of instructions I tend to freak out. Add to that a bunch of irrational thoughts swarming around in my head and it spells super freak out.

One of the things I keep thinking about the last few days is "If I really don't like the way she is working with me, then why not just stop going or go to someone else?" I really don't know if my T is a good fit or not, but I do know that she has demonstrated some success in helping me deal with some acute problems in my home. I also know that it took me a year to even consider going to therapy and the thought of starting all over with someone new elicits great trepidation. At this point for me it is a matter of continuing with my current T or stopping therapy all together.

Part of me wants a more warm and fuzzy relationship, but another part of me knows that I also like a rigid, professional relationship. Part of me likes the fact that she has other patients and a personal life and that I am just another one of the many clients she works with. I find that distance comforting for some strange reason. On the other side, if I have a question or want support I want her to drop everything and provide me efficiently with what I need. If I'm honest with myself I think that if she was the warm and fuzzy type, I likely would have been more uncomfortable than I am now and discontinued therapy after the first session. I want attention but really can't handle it at the same time.

This may be a case where what I think I want may not be what I need.