I'm down to my last week or so of me coming off of Lamictal. Because I had seen another pdoc in the practice, I requested this because I felt as though this med did nothing for me (other doc wanted me to stay on it). My cognitive abilities were a mess and PMS was just the worst. But as I come down, I feel nothing. I'm not happy, I'm not sad. I simply exist. If people talk to me, I talk back. However, I no longer feel like going out of my way to socialize. It's easier for me to hide this at work since the "office refresh" has rearranged seating assignments, I can pretty much go unnoticed. But I was just sitting here thinking about friendships (and maybe I'm getting carried away in my head here). Since my mind is always going, thoughts flowing, I keep talking. Now, I since I feel no desire to, I do not. The two coworkers I have that I am closer to aren't really talking much to me either. They both know of my disorder and are very understanding and empathetic and they give me my space whenever I needed it. But I wonder if because how that helped me in the past that they will just keep limiting contact or am I really that engaging that I somewhat force myself upon others because I can't shut myself up most times.
I feel somewhat like I did prior to this med merry go round. I simply exist. Is this really me? Or is the extra social version of myself the real me or is that simply the meds? My mind is focused and I can be productive at work, but life is gray and bland.
I joined a support group a couple of weeks ago. I love going and some of them get together outside of group for social activities (e.g. luncheons) and I have participated in them. But I have no desire to have a deep meaningful bond with anyone right now because of how I feel. However, I enjoy their company because I can talk about my issues without being judged.
I feel as though I'm rambling now, but was it really worth coming down on the Lamictal? Will this feeling go away? Maybe I just need to give this some time to completely wash out of my system.
Thanks for reading.