This evening I became sad by a "stupid" reason.
I don't know very well how the conversation started, but I was speaking with my mother about beating children. She was telling about a girl who missed behaved badly and some teachers were talking about how it would change her behavior if they were allowed to beat her.
I know it is very difficult to deal with a pupil that behaves badly. I guess no one knows the best method to stop it, or who's fold it is. I frequently hear my colleagues (medical students/doctors) saying how hitting a child could do wonders and how it is missing on nowadays children. But I don't know, I take it personally because while being I child I was beaten and it didn't anything but hurting me.
So when my mother used the argument children should sometimes be beaten, I argued against her, made it an argument about me and how I think she acted wrong when I was little.

Than at dinner she commented it to my father. And he said like I deserved it at the time, I was very stubborn, and he would totally do it again. All this sadness that I felt when a child came back. I felt I was mean and faulted, and remember how I used to feel sad and unloved and I guess I showed it, while being quiet, at the dinner table.
They noticed it and they acted how they used to do, dismissing my sadness, kinda mocking it (or so I felt). And they made me remember this memories also, and how they beated me at the time if I cried. It was so painful, being hurt and trying not to cry at the same time, feeling sad and afraid.
I don't know who, but someone, during this argument used the example of kindergarten my bitting my teacher to prove my behaviors deserved correction. I remember exactly why I bitten my teacher... Some older kids had mocked me and I was very sad, just right before school started. I wanted to be alone to cry and she hold me on her lap and wouldn't stop asking me why I was sad. I was not used to that, I felt it to be too invasive and I was ashamed. So I bite her so she could leave me alone and I could cry without anyone looking at me. I was five and I was already this damaged.

I am on that little girl shoes again. And I am writing this to find someone that cares and to take it out of my thoughts so I can feel better.