I feel like a whole failure. I don't know how I could ever think that I was going to be able to deal with people like any other person. I used to think...kiddos are different. In some way, I saw them in a different way to adults. At least, I didn't feel them so threatening as I see adults.

How can someone feel when she realises that she neither is able to do the thing she was born for? I feel so empty. So, a noone.

I was so proud of myself. In spite of my psychological problems, in spite of having so many difficulties and feeling so bad towards myself...I felt as I could do something good and something that I can offer. But, I'm awared now that I can't deal with people without paying a price. A price in terms of health: sadness, worries, fears, feeling an outsider, and even worse, feeling that you are not able.
My psychologist says: the more you face to anxiety, the better you will be able to face to it later. I know it's true. I don't try to discredit that but what to do with the thought you have always in your mind that you can't do things well. What to do with this thought that tells you that you are not a person like any other and can be more harmful than helpful.

I arrived to the conclusion that I only can do things that don't involve to be with people. A mechanical job.
So, I'm in this inner debate.

My psychiatrist tells me that I only have to make my self-steen stronger. As if it was so easy. At least, I haven't been able to do it so far. After so many years.

Sorry for the long post. I wrote all this in my journal and I think I'm posting it here with the hope that someone tells me, hey, I know what you are feeling. I feel like you.

Thanks!