Hello AzulOscuro: The Skeezyks knows what you are feeling. I feel like you. I spent my whole life pretending to be someone I wasn't. It's difficult to pinpoint exactly why. Part of it was because I didn't realize I had any choice. (To some extent I didn't.) Part of it was because I didn't consciously understand what was going on. Part of it was that there was a part of me that wanted to be the person I was trying to be... but couldn't be. It's crazy...

I enjoy watching the British murder mysteries they show on our local Public Television Station. And every so often, there's a line in one of these shows that reverberates with me. Recently I watched the final episode of a series titled: "Wallender". In that program one of the characters, who was an older man (like me!) said: there comes a point in life where you realize you can only be the person you have always been. I think I've come to that point.

One of my problems has always been that I never seemed to get along with anyone... & somehow I always would seem to get myself into trouble one way or another. So now I just keep to myself. I don't know anyone. And I don't want to know anyone. It suits me. Yes, there was a time when I thought that if I faced my anxiety, & simply kept going, eventually it would get better. It never did. All it did was make things even more difficult than they would have been anyway. And, yes, I've also tried to build my self-esteem. But, as you wrote, it's not so easy. So, now, I've simply decided to allow myself to be the person I always was, to the extent possible. It's not perfect. But, for me, it's better than struggling with trying to be someone I never was. From my perspective, it's simply a matter of self-acceptance.