Quote:
Originally Posted by Luce
Hi Trailrunner. I have had similar experiences where different things come up over a period of time - things that have no context and don't seem to be connected - and then after a while they come together to form more of a 'picture' or a 'story'. So in that sense, yes, I have had similar experiences.
And yes, I have had the experience of not wanting to know the emerging story is true.
One thing that has helped me immensely is not getting too caught up on whether the 'stories' are actually historically true or not. That I will never know.
What is known is that whatever emerges is the emotional truth of my dissociated experiences. Whatever emerges is the reality for the pieces-of-me that hold it. And it is this emotional truth that needs healing. When I can accept that without needing verification in order to do so, healing - and thus my own emotional relief as well - happens much faster.
Go gently, TR.
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Thank you Luce for your reply and words. I read them earlier and took them to the trail with me. I came home, and I'll be honest - had a couple of adult beverages. Right now, I want to cry, scream, yell curse words and hide somewhere. Actually, it would be nice to drive to the coast and see the storm that is brewing. It feels like I would experience some release from it. Don't know if that makes sense or not. I'm not drama, really - I know better, but it seems these days that is what I'm experiencing. Well, maybe not drama - maybe emotion. That just dawned on me.
I've been working with my counselor for about 3 years and this event/moment/revelation/hijacking has been the most discerning to me. It seems to hold much truth to the other things I've not understood.
There is a part of me that wants to make "sense" of this. Please tell me that I'm ok. Please tell me that I'm safe. What's going on in my head, in my "knowing" is that what it was? I commented on another thread about trying to make the perfect family, because I didn't have it. I failed as did theirs. So, in the ruins of the family I tried to create, I'm met face to face with the reality and truth, from such a very, very young perspective of what I was trying to replace and make better. Does that make sense.
I'm trying not to get caught up in the emotion of it, but it seems pointless to me. That is what brought me here. It wasn't even me, but a part of me that wanted this to be known. In reality I know it's not a "now" experience, but tell that to the part of me freaking out over it, and the one wounded from it.
Historical truth seems to be something that is important to me. Something I can understand. Something that a part of me can find comfort in, or know that that's not a place of safety. Trying to understand the truth of what I wasn't witness to at that time. Does that make sense?
I'm sorry! I have so many things going through my mind and I'm trying to sort them out. I feel so broken in the ashes of what I'm looking at.
The sad thing is I still have an ongoing relationship with the person. I am very good at being a chameleon and being what is needed to be ok. That's the outside version. On the inside, it's the one that I'm experiencing right now. There is no vision of healing, in mind to make this better, and that kind of makes the place I'm in a bit more angry.
Thank you for hearing me!! I trust what I've put my hope in to walk me through this, and I thank you.