I understand what you are saying. I also think that I understand your anger.

I've found myself wondering, "When am I going to feel OK again?" "When will I feel normal again?" You described it very truthfully to me. "Will I slowly fall back into the fog that has been my life for at least the last ten years." I feel that way with you. My fog has been my whole life. I'm feeling pretty pissed off myself!!

Maybe this is a good place to be. I've never been ok or felt safe being pissed off about anything. It was not ok and I've never experienced the feeling of it the way I am now.

I'm angry because of the fog of my life. I'm angry that I've come to this point of realizing it.

Like you, I find myself wondering, "Who the hell am I?" It's hard for me to hang on to "me" and know it's "me" and not a part of me too. I'm not really sure right now who that person is. I do know that I can't go back. It's strange that a part of me looks back with some feeling of wanting to go back to what I thought was normal, but I can't after what I've walked through this far. That also makes me really pissed!!!

Maybe if I just let the anger out, all of it, and quit trying to push it down or ignore it, maybe that would - I don't know. I don't know what it would do actually. It sounds freeing in some way. Honest. Almost strong.

This place that I've come to is a hard place, and I do want to believe that it's a place of something new.

Forgive the rambling. You have been in my thoughts today. I hope you are feeling better.