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I have thought alot about my last session with my therapist... and I feel.. somewhat numb...

He talked to me about speechless terror.. and I "finally" got it... maybe I am just ready to "get it"..

Mind numbing.. reactive with no thought terror.. that I have felt all my life.. the terrible nightmares.. I never got a chance to feel safe..

I am different... different than what I would be if I didn't have those things happen to me..

Time for me to accept that they did happen.. and I can't "fix" them.. only make them better over time...

I am not even sure I can keep my mind on "it" long enough for me to put it in a post.

And it has to go somewhere... somewhere ... so it will not be forgotten.. so that it can be remembered..and not gone back over..

Being locked in closets... and my hands put on a chopping block - because I touched myself..having oatmeal stuffed down my throat.. gagging.. my hands put over a boiling pot of water..being put in the bathtub and pulled under water.. just for weting myself...waiting for my dad in my room.. to be given welts..
watching my dad punch horses... and kick... and having things thrown at me.. his daughter... being told.. that I was unwanted.. that he didn't want children.. my mom did.. but then.. she didn't want to stay home.. she wanted a career.. her choice...

my Dad creeping into my bed at night..

my uncle.. my Dad's brother.. the same as my Dad...

being called a liar by my Mom.. for telling..

all translates into a little girl.. who was speechless with terror.. and conditioned for life to be frightened..

to be a misunderstood person.. who does things differently than other people... surely..

a little girl that slept in the stair well rather than her bed

a teenager.. who wouldn't ever take a bath.. only showers.. terrified by taking a bath..

a 12 year old.. seeking comfort.. to be further abused by a pedophile...

an adult.. who won't sleep without a light on...

and never... ever... feeling safe... ever... because I never learned "safe"... because nothing was ever "safe"..

you see..... I finally "got it"... I never learned..... no one ever taught me... no one ever showed me..
everyone that I turned to hurt me.. made me hurt..

try as I might... I don't have any feelings for my Dad... all of my life.. I have always said.." it's really strange, I don't feel anything at all.. not love, not hate, not anger, not pain"... just nothingness..

I do grieve... my Dad's own childhood.. my uncle's childhood.. that was horrfic..

I do grieve ... my Mom's childhood that was also horrific..

I am still thankful... that my Dad.. told me.. and discussed with me my own childhood before his death.. his "gift" to me really... so I could really know for sure.. so that I would never wonder... why I am so very different..

I have my own feelings... I am trying to heal..

I don't want to hurt anyone on this forum.. because I love all....

But I need a place that I can put my pain... where people won't tell me to be quiet... where I won't be called a liar like my Mom did..

I need a place like this.. because I was selectivly mute for a year of my life.. and I don't want to be silent anymore.

I need a place like this.. because the friends that are in my life... cover their ears.. and say... don't tell me.. I don't want to hear such ugly things..

Yes.. my friends they are so very ugly things... but I need.. need to be able to say them somewhere..

And this forum.. is my home.. the place where I have felt the most belonging in my whole life... because I am DID...

so this next year.... I work.. on feeling "safe" for the first time in my life...