Ah, emotions...

I've come to accept that I am a very emotional person. Unfortunately, however, I am often unaware of what I'm feeling in any given moment. And, as such, I run the gamut in terms of how I experience emotions in session with my therapist. I also suffer from a dissociative disorder and that impacts my feelings and how I express them as well.

I am a very in-my-head kind of person. While I have emotions, I do not always know what I'm feeling. Despite that, I will label those feelings based on how I think someone would or should feel in a similar situation. It's all cerebral. Therefore, it's easy for me to seem as though I am in tune with my emotions where, truthfully, I haven't the slightest idea how to really know what I'm feeling. And, that poses problems because I don't know how to express those emotions. So, overall, I often feel out of control and confused. And, that definitely comes across in session. Thankfully, my T is both intuitive and experienced - she "gets" me in spite of me not really understanding myself.

Since I don't know how to appropriately express what I'm feeling, I act out a lot. That can take many forms. I often feel as though I am a child throwing a tantrum. Sometimes, I fight my therapist on things that she asks me to do. I outright tell her no, I ask to leave, I do everything short of stomping my feet. However, I've not yet cried in front of her. I think I tend to dissociate before that comes to pass, but smaller parts definitely take over and behave in ways that I am not proud of. I'm never mean to her, but I am defiant and willful, to say the least. At the same time, depending on the situation, I can completely shut down. I become non-responsive or avoid. There seems to be no rhyme or reason as to why I act one way versus the other, but it's apparent to my therapist that I am experiencing a strong emotion and she tries to work with me to identify it and sit with it. At this stage in the game, we're not always successful and the dissociative disorder has its own set of challenges, but it's a process - I didn't get this way over night and I am certainly not going to be recovered that quickly either.



Emotions are hard. It doesn't matter whether it is a positive or so-called negative emotion, I am rarely able to discern what it is or know how to express it in a healthy, productive manner. But, that's why I'm in therapy, after all!