Okay, I talked about this a bit on chat and on the bipolar forum, but maybe I can get more perspective here.

.........soooooooooo I am very active in the pro-Ukraine cause. I live in one of the countries of the former Soviet block (now turned a fully westie and European country.... on the paper).

I started getting involved pretty much right after the Crimea annexation and have been following the events since the Euromaidan. Personally have no connection to Ukraine... except the fact, I visited the country before few times. And in 2012 I went to Crimea to "look for good people and reasons to live". And it worked. So... v. v. personal. Anyways, first I went just to protest, stand there with a sign (and be all "yay, a Greenie liked photo of me on FB", which felt as a big achievement then. I can say I am semiclose to few low and high level politicians now, eh), but gradually i became part of network that is continuation of the whole maidan movement. And we do weekly protest gatherings, humanirian aid and stuff. Hey, not everything needs to be said online, right? Just let's say, it's lots of work, almost part-time job, only not paid. (and I don't even want to think about how much I invested in the cause).

The situation in my own country is messy. Our prez is pretty much pro-putinist... and he pretty much hates the intellectual civic society movement (which ranges from left to right... just quite liberal on most of the part. hard to explain. And no need to lecture about politics of the soviet-satellite-turned-regularly-western-country). He and his PR mentioned our organization and some of the people i know closely on TV, in radio talk shows. In "they are enemy of the state" way.

I guess I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I met amazing people, but we argued bitterly at some points, met people who totally disappointed me, had to deal with hate mail, even some threats. It's intense.

So for some time I have been feeling exhausted, I gotten very paranoid, it all feels pointless at times. I heard all sorts of horrible stories from people who been on Kyiv Maidan, in ATO, from the "cyborgs", from people who had to flee.... So I think about death a lot. I talk civil war survival strategies over coffee with my friends. I cannot even have a normal conversation anymore that does not involve hybrid wars, propaganda, etc. etc.

In summer I went to a trip to Ukraine. Travelling the country west to east and back again, experiencing the contrast of pretty little prikarpatian villages and towns, Kyiv (wondrous and tragic, alive and on the edge, with Maidan as big gapping scar right in the center), little eastern European time when the time stopped somewhere in 1970s, politically and economically and brave but tragic Slovjansk (where the pulsing center with side walk caffees and youngs hanging out contrast with the ruins 15 minutes walk away from there. That ****ing haunts me). Met people, heroic but exhausted of the fight, met quite a few true heroes.

Came back as inspired mess, who cannot deal with normal oh-so-western world here. I complain about the hipsters in my own city, argue with people, don't sleep, am more active then ever, think of impending doom (which I use as excuse for unhealthy behaviors. And my friends totally think I am joking with "who cares about how many calories are there in this meal, we are all gonna die soon in upcoming WWIII" or "let's drink to the heroes". Thing is I am not. I gotten too comfortable with the thought of not making it out alive)

Not sure what to do with myself.

I don't want to get into politics. I just wonder how can one handle long term activist commitment that is very intense... and being involved in an issue that is sorta not safe. Any advice (besides "stop doing this, it's effing you up") is appreciated.