Maybe the problem is you have been thus far not accountable for your actions. Based on other posts of yours I really have the impression you have been allowed to get away until now with not being responsible for anything, anyone, and to yourself. No wonder you feel a sense of being lost amongst it all. It also would explain the power struggle you aare having with your mom. So too it explains to me your rather questionable choices.

What you need to do - before you engage in anything - is stop and ask yourself "Is this an appropriate choice?" What would you reasonably expect someone else to do? Would other people encourage or discourage what you want to do?

You need to teach yourself to be responsible - especially to yourself. Once this is accomplished you will find you don't feel so lost. It is likely at this point you will have found a sense of direction.

I admit BlackRoses that I find reading your posts somewhat cringe worthy. The common thread to all of them is the lack of self control. I do not feel this is caused by mental illness. While mental illness may aggrivate things I think irresponsibility is the root cause. I would like to see you held accountable for your choices and actions. My interpretation of the relationship you have with mom is that she is trying to do just that. What if you were to set aside even a week and back off from the struggle. At worse it will be a difficult week living under her thumb. At best, however, it may give you some insite and possibly see some improvement in things.

I have been getting more and more stern with you. Let's say it is the mother in me. I only want the best for you. Sometimes a dose of tough love is required.