Quote:
Originally Posted by justafriend306
Maybe the problem is you have been thus far not accountable for your actions. Based on other posts of yours I really have the impression you have been allowed to get away until now with not being responsible for anything, anyone, and to yourself. No wonder you feel a sense of being lost amongst it all. It also would explain the power struggle you aare having with your mom. So too it explains to me your rather questionable choices.
What you need to do - before you engage in anything - is stop and ask yourself "Is this an appropriate choice?" What would you reasonably expect someone else to do? Would other people encourage or discourage what you want to do?
You need to teach yourself to be responsible - especially to yourself. Once this is accomplished you will find you don't feel so lost. It is likely at this point you will have found a sense of direction.
I admit BlackRoses that I find reading your posts somewhat cringe worthy. The common thread to all of them is the lack of self control. I do not feel this is caused by mental illness. While mental illness may aggrivate things I think irresponsibility is the root cause. I would like to see you held accountable for your choices and actions. My interpretation of the relationship you have with mom is that she is trying to do just that. What if you were to set aside even a week and back off from the struggle. At worse it will be a difficult week living under her thumb. At best, however, it may give you some insite and possibly see some improvement in things.
I have been getting more and more stern with you. Let's say it is the mother in me. I only want the best for you. Sometimes a dose of tough love is required.
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I have taken that step back admitting that I feel like I have been a burden and my own issues of careless have held her back from her life. I explained to her that I feel responsible for her being trapped I feel responsible for the frustration everyone feels in my family for me not taking responsibility of my actions. I am impulaive and the issue is I always let my emotions get the. better of me someone could mean the best but for me I get snappy because of my lack of self regulation in my own emotions that I need to take care of. When people say I am not mentally ill and I am just attention seeking it makes my struggle feel less valid and I feel this hurt and upset that no one has listened to my point of view. I have been used to people treating me sternly and harshly when I was in Madeira and living with my cousin and her soon to be husband I was told off everyday. I would have long lectures in the car about my lack of care for my own life after being told off everyday for every little mess I made. every time I forgot something I finally couldn't it take it and I just broke down and started crying a two year old have me a lolly to try and cheer me up and I just cried harder. it was a nice gesture after feeling like I am burden because I make everyone's life harder. I just told mum I am this way if I can't take care of myself and I cause problems and I am just a problem you need to give up on me I am not worth your suffering. it's also one of the reasons why I always tried to run away but no matter where I want I caused problems for others. people think I don't know that my irresponsibility makes them suffer I know this and I keep my suffering to myself. I never got help for myself because it was more wasted effort everyone else had to put for me to help me. All I ever wanted was for people to give up on me and I just let myself decay and die I never wanted anyone else to be part of my lack of irresponsibility and I am in pain that someone else still tries to help me. Haven't I taken enough already aren't you already tired of me why are wasting effort when I am worth any of it? So yes I pity myself but that's only because of the fact that other's still try for me when I feel I am a lost cause.