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pinksoil said:
There is so much of me in this post... I just want to answer it fully and honestly and hope that it may help you. Please understand that this is not in anyway at attempt to undermine what you went through in this session.

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I know you would NEVER undermine me in any way so say whatever you feel.

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pinksoil said:
I read your post and frankly, I was a little turned off by some of the things your T said-- i.e. comparing you to his sister.

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I did tell him that I just thinks he is seeing her right now and not me. He did smile and nod a bit and now I'm wondering maybe he was trying to point something out to me. Like perhaps because I was feeling humiliated by some men in my life I was lashing out at him...? He also did say at the end 'well I thought we had the kind of relationship where we could talk honestly'...

I am always telling him to be honest with me perhaps I just didn't like the material.

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almeda24fan said:
Feeling desperate because T seems to be disgusted with me (my perception of last session) I called once and didn't hear back so the fool that I am, I called again yesterday.

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pinksoil said:
Just remember, there are so, so, so many reasons as to why he hasn't called back. What if he is at a conference? Running an all day group? At a training?

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I know, I try to remember this and always tell him I will not call. He's told me many times why he doesn't think it would be good for me to have contact between sessions...I just keep pushing those boundaries. This is the first time he hasn't called back so he's trying to show me he's serious.

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pinksoil said:
A T should never be disgusted with a client. Ever. It is okay to not agree with what the client does and to wish the client did different, but ultimately, a T should be able to accept whatever it is as part of the person. Last week I accused T of being disgusted with me in regards to my cutting. The real issue? I was disgusted with myself.

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I will address this with him directly. Every morning I wake up crying because of what I *think* I saw on his face...of course now that days have passed the vision is much stronger than probably it actually was...

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think I've said before on here T doesn't label me but we've talked a lot about borderline, histrionic and dependent traits...of course I've read a ton about BPD and T has mentioned many of the symptoms to me. He said he doesn't believe in labels and I was okay with that.Why do I now feel like the label is being applied?

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pinksoil said:
Maybe it just seemas though all of these symptoms are really presenting themselves more than ever. The labels don't matter-- you are experiencing what you are experiencing... and that's all that matters... to work on those things in order to get better. I know that I am guilty of applying the label to myself when a lot of the symptoms start going at the same time.

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On my way to work this morning, I was convincing myself that he is trying to spin me out of control so that he can label me a borderline and note it in the file and pass me on to someone else...can you say 'delusional'? I cannot believe where my thoughts are going Pink.

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Asking me if my call is a life threatening situation...after almost two years of therapy? First time ever.

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pinksoil said:
Just remember the events leading up to this. Perhaps this was the first time ever you called twice before T called you back.

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Yes it is the first time I have ever called twice and that is why it hurts that he isn't calling me back...! Can't he see I am in pain?? That is what feeling I have right now

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pinksoil said:
There was probably a hint of desperation, sadness, anger, or anxiety, or all of the above, in your voice. The assistant probably picked up on all of this... and it is his job to clarify if this is an emergency situation. One thing I learned from working with my own patients is that these are peoples' lives that we are dealing with... and you have to be very, very careful not make a decision that could have been executed better if only a simple question was asked. This does not mean that you are mental patient or that you are worthy of the borderline label.

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Yes he did probably hear my desperation and I appreciate now that he asked the question. But I'm mad at T because I'm sure he heard all about this...why do I feel like he is sitting there with his arms folded laughing and saying 'nope, I'm not calling her'?