eating,breathing,sexing all feel like requirements of my biological body I feel no relief enjoyment satisfaction fulfillment in anything I do,i do everything but it just feels like a blan forced necessity of need,taking showers cleaning house,conversations with others just existing is totally undesirable,i don't have any form of satisfying peaceful sleep,sure I sleep, I eat, I have sex, I breathe, but all of it is done with a labor of unwillingness, mixed with dread that doing those things, only leads to more knowing I will have to do those things again, and that everything I do does nothing to help my depression,11 years of torment with this cancerous disease and i go to deeper and deeper levels of insanity thinking that might give some escape to the consequences of reality,i just seems that reality doesn't understand how much I want the suffering to end,death or insanity anything is better than the reality I have