I might be sweet and sensitive when I'm sober. A couple of nights ago I got really drunk and started sending him abusive e mails. All the paranoia and frustration came out. We had a chat yesterday, according to him he hasn't flirted with anyone and doesn't want a relationship with anyone ever again. I can only presume I have put him off and really I should just let go and maybe one day he'll forget about the experience he's had with me and want to find someone else. He says all he ever offered was friendship, that's true but the boundaries were blurred when I went on holiday to see him. I think I have been a bit paranoid about him chatting to young single women on the forum. I have left the forum again and can't ever go back. I agree he is causing me a lot of misery but it's still like an addiction and most of the time we get on. We had a long chat yesterday and I agreed to sort myself out as far as the drinking goes, it makes me do stupid things.

I probably should give him up completely. If I can't accept he's never going to want me maybe it is for the best. I think I would be more miserable without contact than with it though. He gets irritated at me very easily and takes offence when I'm not judging him or meaning to criticise him. I think what's best is for me to leave him alone, if he gets in touch again fair enough, but I don't think I should contact him.

The fact that he still wants to be friends with me after the abusive e mails is a sign he doesn't hate me. I think he just likes chatting to people and I just happen to be in contact with him. He says he doesn't think I used him after all. I have offered him money but he won't have it. He paid for everything when I visited him.

The one thing that sticks in my head is what he said to me when I was down there, that he was attracted to me but didn't know if I liked him back, that he would take things as slow as I wanted, and now he says he only wanted friendship. I just wonder why he would change his story, he could just have been honest and said I had put him off. He's an honest person so I wonder if he just didn't want to ruin the holiday for me and say it was a shock and he hadn't thought of me that way at the time. He didn't hesitate to kiss me back though, yes it confuses me but I have to get past it, and so far I haven't managed to. He said he got carried away with the moment and he has urges, I think what he means is he wouldn't pass up the offer of potentially having sex if it arose, but that was all it was, a bit of fun. He does say he has very little interest in sex, but he won't refuse it. He doesn't want a relationship though, which is the point. I will try not to talk about this again but I seem to need to rant about it every so often. Am sure everyone is fed up of me going on about it now. I just seem to meet men who only want me for a bit of fun. In all honesty I don't want a relationship with anyone else so I feel like staying single is best. I don't think I'm in a good place mentally anyway, although I do think things would have been very different if he was physically in my life. I never know what he's thinking and jump to the worst conclusion. I want to speak to him all the time but know he wouldn't want to. Going cold turkey would be almost impossible and I don't want to be rude and ignore him if he gets in touch. Is it normal to get this addicted to a person online and on the phone? I think I have BPD traits. It is a very intense feeling. Drink is an issue but I can go much longer without drink than I can without him. Talking to him when we are speaking normally stops me drinking, it's when we're not I hit the bottle, or if I get jealous. It's silly because he says he's not interested in anyone else.

Hopefully this is my last rant on it, I know people will say to avoid him but I just don't know how without reaching for the bottle.