For as long as I can remember I've suffered from an anxiety problem, or so it has been categorised. I have always felt like my condition is different from the typical anxiety/depression/panicking categories that people's mental health can fall under. There is no reason for my anxiety, there are no triggers. I potentially have a really good life. I am smart, have a good personality, a loving family and boyfriend, but for years I've had this problem that has affected my ability to socialise and live a normal life. The problem is that when I speak/socialise, I panic. I don't just mean speaking to unfamiliar people, I mean even speaking to my mum, family, boyfriend and friends and people closest to me. It doesn't matter how close I am to the person or how well I know them, the panic remains constant. Although, it's not the same every day. I can wake up one day and feel relatively confident, be able to speak and act without fear, be able to express what I want to say without this sensation of panicking holding me back, be able to think of the right words to say and get them in the right order. Other days, I feel like a nervous wreck, am hesitant/scared to talk and when I do make the effort, I have an awful panicking sensation inside me, I stutter, want to cry, feel out of control of myself, get angry and frustrated, get my words back to front, my mind goes blank and just in general struggle to communicate. It's not just socialising that's a problem, I have days where I can think clearly and remember things well, I feel like my brain is working, then other days I feel like my brain is a pile of mush, I can't understand things and I forget very easily.

This affected me when I was in school, causing me to be unable to socialise properly and end up with no friends. Even now I am limited in what jobs I can do.

I have always felt like this is a physical problem rather than a mental. I've been to doctors, had my bloods tested, had my heart checked etc and everything has always come back fine. I was born with a hole in my heart which according to the midwife at the time was in an unusual place, and when I was younger I had a really bad bang to the head which split my head open and I needed stitches. I've always wondered if these things are causing something to be wrong in my body and cause this panicking/socialising problem. I've explained this to doctors and they just think I'm nuts and are adamant it's just anxiety.

There could still be something physically wrong that hasn't yet been identified but I'm tired of getting things checked out and being told that there is nothing wrong with me. I don't understand how the problem can be mental thought because it comes and goes without a trigger and comes in different forms and strengths. I also get tired a lot and get fatigued easily when exercising sometimes so surely there's a connection there? I've heard of people's anxiety being linked to anaemia, which would make sense of me being tired a lot, but my blood test results say I'm not anaemic.

I've been to a psychiatrist before and they obviously tried to help me from a psychological approach, but I just don't feel lie they fully understand what my problems are and are too quick to generalise me into an anxiety category. I don't understand how changing my thought processes etc can take away a panicking that is out of my control and something that comes and goes for no reason at all.

If I can't find a solution for the panicking, I at least want to find a way of living with it, which I believe I found for a while there and was doing well, but the past week or so I've had a very negative mindset about everything and feel like everytime I speak I panick and get angry and frustrated. I don't even want to make the effort to speak anymore because I know it will probably go wrong. When I felt like I was handling it well before, the panicking sensation and struggle to talk was still present in my body but the way I handled and thought about it made life bearable and peaceful in amongst the war going on inside my body.

The state I'm in just now I really don't want to live anymore but I can't find an easy way of killing myself, so the only other option is to find a way of living with this. I'm considering becoming one of those really quiet people who never speaks unless they have to, but I don't know how successful I'll be with that because that's not part of my personality. I'm a naturally bubbly, talkative, out going girl and I think it would depress me even more to deliberately try stay quiet when it's not who I am.

What makes the problems a lot worse is feeling alone with it. I've heard people saying that they struggle with anxiety/panic attacks and apparently it's very common, but I just don't feel like I fall under the same "anxiety" category as them. I've seen them talking to people and being with friends and they don't look as if they're struggling, they look like they enjoy it. I know you don't know how someone is really feeling, and I've been told I appear confident when really I'm panicking inside, but I just can't seem to relate to other people when they say they struggle with anxiety.

If I knew there was someone out there like me then I could face life knowing I'm not just this odd case and that it's OK to be the way I am, but I can't do it thinking I'm alone. If there's anyone out there who feels similar to me then please say anything. All comments and advice are welcome. I need some inspiration and a glimpse of hope to lift me out of this state of depression that I've fallen into.