Hey guys, I'm a 26 year old male.
I just don't know what to do anymore...

Yesterday I went off on a woman I've been speaking to for nearly 3 weeks. We met on an online dating site, she messaged me first (which was a surprise because she is stunning! And I don't usually attract women like her). Things have been going great, we both let each other know we have commitment and trust issues, we've had a number of failed relationships in the past and we both aren't the most emotionally outgoing people around. Everything was fine; exchanged pictures, talking dirty here and there and generally doing what I believe most people do when they are getting to know each other.

Over the last week - I've gone off the rails! I've been getting mad at her for no real reason. Worried about losing her, worried about committing, worried about a lot of things. Yesterday (Friday 7th) I went off the rails AGAIN. This time, for the last time. I said enough this time, enough to make sure I ended our new friendship, for good.
By the way guys, my topic is not based on relationships because I know it's not just help with relationships I need so don't confuse this with a topic solely about relationship advice.

The reason I'm writing this thread today is because, this (the story I've just told you) happens to form a pattern where similuar stories in the past have taken place and it's got me wondering.... perhaps I have a problem somewhere down the line. I can't keep hold of friends. I can't keep hold of women. I struggle to keep myself motivated and I've been living a very unhealthy lifestyle which includes involving my tyrannical abusive family, drugs, alcohol and unhealthy sexual thoughts. I've been lonely since I've been 16-17 years old when I was pretty much abandoned by my so-called family and left with a garbage bag full of clothes 30 miles away from my home town, to fend for myself.

Since then I've just seem to break down year after year. As I've got older though, I've got wiser, I've started working out so I look better and more healthier, I've given up various drugs and only smoke weed here and there and absolutely no alcohol unless it's just a drink here and there. I'll have friends and then... I'll just want rid of them! Like, I'll actually go out of my way to ensure they are no longer my friend! What is with that? The same with relationships. I haven't been able to keep down a job up until recently and even now, I'm really struggling to turn into work day after day. During the week, I let my apartment/flat go to s*it so it gets really messy and unhygenic.

Basically, in a nutshell; emotionally... I'm a write-off. I'm sick of living like this. I'm sicking of pushing perfectly nice people away like this woman I have been speaking too and not coincedently women before her and of course friends as well which were decent. I can't keep hold of anything or anyone without destroying it! And pushing people away!

I want friends but I have no idea how to get them. I want a relationship, kids, house, the whole 9 yards (although I'm not materialistic or superficial to believe having a house or money makes you any better than anyone else). I believe all in all I've got a good outlook on life. I've helped people. I've made people smile. I CAN, BE, HAPPY. I CAN, BE, SUCCESSFUL. I just self-destruct and THIS part of me has become the WHOLE me and I'm absolutely tired of doing things like this. Today I woke up and I was ready to call it a day, of course I'm not nor ever going to kill myself but the thought entered my mind.

I think I need help. I'm desperate to just have a normal social life. I have no friends, only acquaintainces. I'm stuck in an area that reminds me of my past, having moved back to the same area I got brought up in near my family (who I don't get along with just to reiterate) and friends that I've long since moved on from. My life seems like a big superficial pantomine. It feels slightly delusional, surreal and maybe even silly. I'm currently looking to save up to move away.

I want a happy life. I don't want to be like this. I hope I can talk to people who can relate to me possibly who are like me and hopefully be pointed in the right direction for some professional help.

P.S If it feels like my thread is a little vague, spurous or missing chunks then let me know and I'll reply with the details. I'm really keen to change and put myself in a better position so I can accept wonderful happy and decent people into my life and be proud that I can keep them around. Not just that but I also want to believe in myself more, be more confident and be a better version of myself so that I'm more available to the right people.

Thanks for your time.