I really hate your going through this. I usually deal with mania/mixed episodes. "But" in the winter I deal with SAD. I did not start having bipolar symptoms until summer 2011. In 2012 is when SAD started. I had the worse depression ever. I stayed in bed all day, I would cry throughout the day, I did not cook, I barely cleaned house, I rarely took showers, I did not iron my daughter 's clothes I would take them right from the dryer and hang them up. My mom thinks this is a sin.... clothes should be pressed with creases. My point "I" understand how you feel. To this day I do not know what's worse mania or depression. Depression was hell on earth and mania is scary, embarrassing and costly and (can land you in jail ) after the fact for some they consider it fun. I will not go off my meds at least that's not a thought in my mind as of yet. But I do understand. I wish you had better excess to a therapist