Update: I finally went down to the 6 mg patch 4 days ago. I told my pdoc enough was enough. He also increased my Xanax at bedtime which does a good job of knocking me out so far. Since I last posted in this thread, I got even worse and the anxiety kicked up to levels I haven't experienced in 4 years. Fear of having to interact with people in the parking lot outside my place, fear of having to drive in heavy traffic, I even have to give myself pep talks before going into crowded stores. Monday and Tuesday were some of the worst days I've had ever at work - 8 hour long performance, heart beating out of my chest, trouble breathing, coupled with the back pain. I broke an appointment with the GYN yesterday because I didn't feel like I could hold myself together well enough, total panic attack as I was getting ready to walk out the door. I have very poor concentration and memory recall overall, but that is the depression & insomnia and not the benzos because I had memory/cognitive issues with depressive episodes before when I was not taking any anxiety meds at all.

Not doing well socially or at home either. I flew off the handle at a few more people and I think I may have lost a friend of almost 20 years because I took something she said the wrong way and now I absolutely can't stand her. I have tried to work this out in therapy and my feelings haven't changed towards my friend and I don't want to speak to her. My mom immediately goes into orbit if I don't answer her phone calls even once - she automatically thinks I've hurt myself or something, and then I get angry at her for overreacting. My home is an absolute disaster area and I am so overwhelmed I don't even know where to start to get my housekeeping under control.

Unfortunately this med change, which i think I should embrace as a positive thing, could not have come at a worse time. I developed sudden and intense back pain that hit me like a freight train when I woke up this past Monday morning. I have about 4 or 5 different theories as to what may have caused this, but I think overall my body is telling me "no more" to lying down for excessive amounts of time every weekend this year. So my back has just gone into a sort of atrophy, if you will. I have to sleep "in shifts" because sleeping in one position for too long wakes me up. I have a call into a physical therapist for this one.

Insomnia is truly crazy-making. what a mess.