The last time I was truly suicidal was several years ago. I was working and during work I was having severe panic attacks. Over and over again. At the time I didn't know they were panic attacks. I just thought I was losing my mind. Sitting in my car curled up in a ball listening to a train passing I asked god to save me from myself. I ended up seeing a psychologist who told me I was having panic attacks and not losing my mind. I started anxiety and antidepressant meds which helped a little. But I was still having panic attacks and suicidal thoughts. I just couldn't figure out the point of my existence. I kept thinking I needed to get somewhere. After spending sometime reading philosophy, in particular Camus, and taking with my psychologist I realized I didn't need to get anywhere. That the point to my existence was to learn. That's it. To learn, to live and to be grateful for the opportunity while I have it. So even through the discovery of being DID and hardship in my life I keep moving. Right now I am grateful for my life and the good things about living. so far, have accepted the hardships as part of my life, but they do not define my life. I am more than my hardships.