I drank a lot of alcohol again a few days ago because of how awful I was feeling and wanted to punish myself for it at the same time by allowing myself to get majorly hung over. I had a migraine all of the next day and didn't take pain killers until my boyfriend pushed them on me. Drinking didn't even make me feel better because I drank to the point that it all turned dysphoric and I started punching myself, pulling my hair out, and crying. Despite this, I crave alcohol again whenever I feel bad, and despite the fact I know I wouldn't drink to the dysphoric level again, I feel like a hopeless idiot for wanting more alcohol at all.

Am I forming an addiction? I'm already completely addicted to food and sweets and have to chew gum all day to prevent myself from overeating. I'm a small girl at a healthy weight and I already have a majorly warped self image, let alone if I did put on more weight. Can't imagine what I'd do to myself then. When I was 13 I ate far less food than normal because I thought I was "fat" so I know if I were to put on weight I'd likely go in the opposite extreme and try to starve myself.

When I was drunk I was quite literally hugging the alcohol like it was my savior even though it was hurting me. What is wrong with me??