But honestly it doesn't make me feel better it more affirms how I damaged so many relationships and hurt friends for it.

I can't live with myself, I'll have to accept to move forward, but it's like being told you're going to suck much harder at natural things in life that most people struggle with but you'll have it harder than them.

Like I feel unloved because I feel I can't be accepted I'm a freak and people treated me that way because I never understood. I thought I was supposed to I have feelings and that I was supposed to do things accordingly to build anything with friends and people I rarely admire. It always ends me destroying it to shreds because how distant I am and being told it's a trait I'm supposed to live with makes me feel like ****. I just refuse to accept it I just want to be normal and have feelings not some lifeless tornado that sucks up the life of people because I'm not as affectionate or show my gratitude alot.

That part of the human experience has never been my experience so it's why I talked about self medicating just to feel something. I am getting a therapist. I'm taking my life by the reigns, but I have no direction again so yeah....