I wonder will I ever be free of my fears of abandoment. Being adopted is only the begining of the pain. Having a terrible relationship with adoptive mother put into the mix and I just feel hopeless.

I stopped drinking almost 5yrs ago so that I could be the best mother I can be to my kids. I am in therapy so that I can be the best mother I can be to my kids.

Unyet tonight I feel a failure, the worse mother on this earth, I feel a great big bulls up.

I'm struggling in the relationship between me and one of my 14yr old twin daughter. She is everything I'm not, unyet everything that I am.

I know my kids are normal and being normal 14yr olds I am not the centre of their world. But I've just realised my self-esteem has been resting so heavy on how I feel they percieve me.

I am holding myself and them prisoner and thats not fair. Today I had a day planned for me and my twins to have some nice time together, but it went wrong. I went wrong. Something happened and I just lost it.

As I drove us home all I could think of was the desarterous relationship I had with adoptive mother, especially the age my girls are. All that kept going through my mind was the 3yrs I've been in T, shouldn't I be better than this?

All I could think of was doing something different then the way it was done between me and my adoptive mother, so I finally found the couraget to talk about what was going on for me in the car driving home.

I told "E" my daughter that I am afraid she doesn't like me and my greatest fear is that they will all leave me. But then I felt I was doing what my adoptive mother would do and manipulate me to make her feel good, so I also added finally that none of this was "E"'s fault, it was my stuff.

I felt like my narcissitic defences had been broken through, that all I could feel was the pain of my greatest fear and the redundency of using false defences. The illusion that I am a wonderful perfect mother, even though I kid myself I am content being just good enought, but dig that bit deeper and I found I am not as confident and brave as I pretend to be.

I even spoke to my husband and he doesn't get it, he was aobut to tell me that they'll just being their age, and I stopped him and said I KONW THAT! don't you get it? Its me, my total incapacitating fear of abandoment.

Oh I'd give anything ot be in the safety of T's room!

My daughters have gone out with friends tonight. I really need to find a middle ground, or else I will end up hating those that I believe I depend upon the most, my kids and thats not good! If I could have one wish right now, it would be that I am free of this absolutely paralysying fear of being left! Its hell.

I'm hoping that feeling the intensity of this today will some how lead me to a path of better healing. We cannot heal that which we cannot feel??

(please no lectures on whats normal for kids, I know this, its the insanity that is killing me)