It wasn't a relationship, a friendship really. But we did get intimate twice in one day. To call it a relationship would be unrealistic. But no, I can't let go. The feelings are very intense for what actually happened between us. That is why I believe it could be BPD. Also it feels like I love him but I hate him sometimes. It could be an OCD thing, because I have that. It is quite obsessional. But people with BPD can often have OCD. I wish I could get a counsellor to talk to about this but it's not likely. I can't get a psychologist because my current diagnosis is schizophrenia. I live in the UK so we still have a state funded health service. I couldn't afford to go private, maybe a few sessions but my problems are long standing and complex. I think my whole attitude towards relationships or potential relationships is wrong. Of course I need to tackle the drinking and the OCD. There's a lot to deal with.

Of course if I have BPD they might not see me, over here there is a negative attitude towards personality disorders. Then I really will have to deal with it all on my own.