Well, i promised myself that I would keep you all up to date on how things are going through this break up of mine.

Right now its incredibly hard, 2 years is a long time to spend with someone, and now that i am out of the relationship, i find myself participating in behaviors that aren't really typical of me. I feel like I've lost all control of who i am or what i do, even though i know this is not the case. I'm incredibly lonely and all i really want is someone to hold me, but at the same time i feel like I am simply trying to replace my ex somehow. I still love him very much, and even cuddling with another guy so soon makes me feel guilty, but the loneliness is so overwhelming its hard not to indulge.

Thinking i could do this with no problem, i went to my best guy friends house, he happens to be going through the same thing with his girlfriend right now, but instead of just keeping each other company and cuddling, he grabbed me three times, and i had to keep telling him to stop all night. It makes me angry, and it triggers a lot of things from my past that still aren't comfortable for me.

my next blunder was just getting way too drunk for my own good around someone else who has feelings for me, that was just a mess at first, but things turned out okay, and i even think we are possibly even closer than we were before.

My huge problem at this point is guilt. I feel like even cuddling is so disrespectful to my ex at this point. Some of my friends have said that its just me trying to reassert the fact that I'm single and to reassert my sexuality, because one can only mature so much when they are committed to their first and (up to this point) only partner for over two years.

I'm young, I'm only 20 and i know i shouldn't be worrying so much about all of this, but the fact is, that being lonely is so hard for me, its so different, and its so uncomfortable. I feel like a huge chunk of my identity has been taken from me, and I'm totally lost. I don't know what to do with myself. It seems like the harder i try to keep control, i end up messing up, and i really don't want to do that, i don't want to put myself in possibly dangerous situations. Who would?

I'm so lost all...

thats whats going on at the moment. Incredible loneliness...attacks of guilt, and a lot of pain.

*hugs teddy bear*

emo