All she did Tuesday was ask did she remind me of my mother.

(yes) NO! I said.

I have been frantic and crying since. (Once I get going crying it very hard to stop)

I want them to be separate. I can't bear that she did even in the slightest way make me think of my mother!! I don't want them connected even though I want her to 'mother' me. So confusing! I know they are separate but that is my thought and I can't seem to get beyond it to anything more.

Wednesday, I made it through work by lots of ladies room breaks and avoiding everyone as much as possible. But at home I crumbled. Tried to resolve it with my relaxation CD but couldn't focus even with some Xanax. Took more, called her.

Almost missed her call back. I told her what triggered it this time. She talked to me for just a moment, but it grounded me just her saying that it was confusing for me. She asked if I could wait til Tuesday to meet again. (no) Yes, I said (I have no money for an extra session). She said call her again if I need her.

Some people talk about giving something to their T to 'hold onto' for them. That's what this felt like. I had to tell her what I was feeling and what triggered it because if I was feeling better by Tuesday I might not have talked about it. So I felt relieved eventually then guilty for feeling relieved as if I am dependent on her for relief instead of being able to relieve and comfort myself.

Now I'm back to crumbling.

It is so hard to find words for this stuff sometimes.

Or else I'm not allowing the words to come.

I don't know but I feel awful. Alone and afraid. Alone alone alone. Afraid she will see me as not sturdy enough to do this work. How to be vulnerable, open, let the feelings come, but not fall completely apart and not lose her?!!