I asked T yesterday straight out: do people like me k** themselves?

His response was so fast...straight out he said 'yes, they do'.

Not a moment of pause or hesitation. I don't know why I even asked the question. But what was scarier was how quick his answer was. Like it wasn't even a bit surprising to him.

We really haven't talked about s***de a lot. And he never made a big deal
of it when I did bring it up. Like he wasn't really taking it too seriously and it was a passing whim. But he went on to say that's what we've been struggling with, on and off, since I walked through his door.

I wanted to email him as soon as I got home to say 'well, I won't be one of those people'. But we don't do email.

Working doubly hard on connecting with life. People. Joy - whatever that is - right now. Damnnit I am the most purposeful, problem solving, fixing person I know. I have to be able to make myself happy.

It gave me a jolt