So, I've known for a while that I likely had BPD. But it's been confirmed. I have 6 out of 9 behaviors.

One of those is frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. That one bit me in the *** recently and it's held on for near three months now (during most of which I was franticly trying to get my ex to speak to me again). Well...now she's gotten me banned from my old college (where we met) which means if I go there I'll get arrested. AND the police called me saying if I contact her even one more time, I will be arrested.

So my frantic efforts led to nothing good. And I can still clearly remember the night we broke up. I think it could have gone so much differently. Still, two people play a roll I suppose.

I've just been looking for her forgiveness. I may need to come to terms with the fact that it isn't going to happen. I messed up A LOT.

In the past three months, I tried to take my life three times. The first time, nothing happened, but I probably should have gone inpatient or gotten treatment. The second time, I attempted after seeing her with no words spoken when I went to visit a friend at the same college (where I went). The campus called me and said I would be banned from the residence halls (I don't live close to campus but luckly most of my freinds have graduated). It hurt so much I couldn't take it. The third time was after I got second warning from the police and ban from campus overall.

I went to Intensive Outpatient for a couple of weeks before that third attempt and then I lost it again. I was almost labeled a stalker because I kept reaching out to her even though she did not want me to. So...gotta keep myself out of jail. I want to let go of the importance that she speak to me again. I don't want to wonder every day if she will "smarten up" or forgive me.

So...after that outpatient I ended up going Inpatient for ten days. I had a lot of pressure from my parents who didn't want me to go. I knew I needed to do so and I did. I wish I would have gone after the first attempt. I learned a lot through the IOP and Inpatient, however, I did not learn how to forgive myself.

How do I forgive myself for failing to leave her alone and having things get this far? How do I stop missing her and wanting her to talk to me in the future (despite the actions she chose to take)?