I tried to sleep, but I can't. I had the surgery to have the biopsy done last Wednesday. It was very simple outpatient stuff, left me pretty uncomfortable. They told me then that I'd have the test results back by no later than Tuesday (tomorrow). I got home this evening to a call from the doctor. I immediately started to shake and studder. He purposely beat around the bush, asked me how I was, was I bummed about the niner game (knows I'm a fan), etc. I finally blurted out, "What are the results?!?". He told me that everything was clean and there were no signs of cancer cells. Whew! We still don't know what's been causing me too get so ill, but at least we know what's not causing it. He said we will go back to the drawingboard and figure this thing out. I thanked him and hung up. And then I started to cry.

I've done a lot of reflecting on my life over the last few months, especially my mortality. Two thoughts are foremost in my mind. One, I'm not afraid to die. Death is just the next step, we all do it eventually. I hope that when my time comes, I'll be remembered as someone who cared about other people. That's important to me. I lived my entire childhood in an environment filled with hatred, I want my adulthood to be different. Two, I'm not ready to die now. I have things I want to live for. I have things I want to do. I have people that I love. I've never been to Hawaii, or Paris, or the Bahamas, and I'm going to go. Anybody want to come with me? I have the most amazing 2 1/2 year old granddaughter. When she comes over and spend the night, she always comes to "Papa" for everything. I love her so much and I want to see her grow up. I want to see my two kids make their own way too. My youngest daughter moves out in February, and my son has three more years and he's gone. I want to see them have their own lives. I want to spoil their children...and then send them home And God, I have the most amazing friends! I won't even attempt to name names here cause I'd leave someone out and feel horrible about it. But you all stick by me, even when it seems I'm doing my best to try to push you away. The emails, the PMs, the phone calls, they've all kept me going. These last two months have been horrible, and without your support I don't know what I would have done. You've all heard me call the members here family. That's not just lip service. To me, you are my family. My own family never treated me with the love, caring, and compassion that you do. I'll always be here for all of you, if you need something, just ask. If I can help, I will. We are all lucky that John has given us this safe place to share our common bonds. These are just some of the reasons I've found that I want to live. The next time depression hits, and I think, "I wish I were dead", I'll give that a long second thought. Because today I'm glad I'm alive.

Thank you all for your support, your concern, and your love. You are all wonderful people. The next time that depression is telling you that you're useless, and no good to anyone, stop and ask me. I'll remind you what a truly amazing person you really are.

My love to all,
Greg