She has been away training so I haven't seen her after our rupture. T did not bring up my text about wanting to email her and I was great-full for this.
I began by telling t about this woman I am watching online who does workshops on trauma and attachment. She asked what I liked about her, I said j liked that she took into account the clients attachment style and her own attachment style and worked with the relationship and the dynamics within the relationship.
T said isn't that what we do? I said no because attachment is never considered, she said yes you have an insecure attachment but how can that change anything unless you have the awareness of what is happening in the relationship between us. I kinda agreed with her. I told her that sometimes I feel unsafe with her and I feel judged, shamed and criticised. She asked was it what she said or how she said it and I said both really. She asked if I could tell her when that happens in future I said I couldn't because I feel like I can't talk.
Then t blew me away because she said Mona you have had so much trauma in your life, everything feels unsafe. I see you freezing up in session and I feel so powerless because I know I can't reach you and it frustrates me. She said she was sorry because she has been letting her frustration interfere.
T said she really cares and cares too much because she tries so hard to get me out of my shutdown and nothing works. I said I could really see that she cares and then t touched her heart and cried.
T was very soft today and gentle, this is the t I love and have missed. I told t that it is very hard for me to talk about abuse and my mother, she said maybe her pacing had been off. She feels she ripped the lid off instead of peeping inside first. T asked me to tell her when I feel myself slipping away, I think I can do this but sometimes it happens so fast that it's too late to stop it. I felt today was a good session and it's the first time t has really acknowledged how traumatic my life has been.