Does anyone feel like they're in a cycle of slow implosion? Of course, we all have good days and bad, but as the bad days pile up, they slowly chip away at my resistance and I begin to lose hope. Perhaps a slight change in routine or a lack of discipline causes these relapses, but who is to know? Or maybe it's some form of nefarious depression that sneaks up on me.

Lately, I've been super-manic. My mind has been racing and I've told a number of people that I can't keep thinking thinking thinking all the time. I just want to quit it all - the job, paying the bills, going to the doctor, worrying about this and that. I can get up on the mountain, conquer my shortcomings, linger for a while, and gaze out at the horizon. It's living out the old advice I got early on. "Let it come to you. Stop forcing it". Well, if I let it come to me, it just runs me over!

All I seem to feel internally and anger and despair. I only feel contentment when I'm not working or not at home......I'm off doing what I want to do, always alone. Sure, it's selfish, but it is a supreme defense mechanism and the only way my engine slows down. I feel free and accomplished. I know that's not the way the world works but getting off "the wheel" is critical for me. The coping mechanisms don't seem to be working but then again, am I trying hard enough? And, as I "try harder", I just put more pressure on myself to try harder. Or do I focus too much on the bad? I almost feel like BP will eventually eat me up. I'm not suggesting I am quitting, but what I'm concerned about is that my "form" of BP is just going to get me in due time.