My wife and I are living separated since over a year. It was my own decision because I felt she hardly thought about my needs and mainly about her own. I got the feeling my needs didn't count but I had to serve her needs all the time and she even demanded that. And thats just one part of the pain and hurt.
But from the moment she left the house, I fell into a deep black hole of depression. Just like always in my life, things are mixed up. I had a manic episode that lasted a couple of months and ended more or less until the moment she left. I got more and more exhausted from that episode until the point I wasnt even able to get out of bed and take care of myself. I quit anti depressant the day before she left. Anyway, that depression was so severe, the worst I ever had. I have been crying every day since. I still love her and miss her. I am remembering the good things and positive sides of her and I start crying. She even forgave the things I did during my manic episode. But rationally I know that her negative characteristics that hurt me over and over again were the reason for my decision. I have had some short term relations since with women that were much kinder than her. But I dont have the feelings I have or had for her. My wife was everything for me. I am devastated.
In my previous relation I didn't have those issues when we separated. I even doubt if it is all my fault. The way I responded or communicated about her hurting me. I lost my sense of self, of who I am. I can't believe this is happening.
Did I develop some codependency? Why doesnt it wean off? Why does it take so long to get over it? Is it prolonged grief disorder on top of all the scheit I already have?