By split, I mean kill myself. I have two younger brothers who did, so I'm aware I'm pre-conditioned. I just don't see a way out.

Divorced 5 years ago from the mother of our 4 kids. She cheated horribly, with many men, over four years. Never saw it coming. Thought we were happy. On again off again with her ever since, even while she's been remarried. Can't get past the horror of the things she did, but also can't seem to find anyone else even close to as attractive, funny, smart, etc. No shortage of women along the way, many of whom are probably great, but none of whom I have even the slightest interest in being with long term. Probably dated a hundred women in 5 years. Leads me to strongly believe it's not them, it's me.

Lately I just see things as so bleak. I'm 42 now, and the odds of me finding someone, miraculously, that I like more than her, seems, logically, to be declining. I don't interact with her now, but if i'm honest, I know I'd try to go back to her if she came calling, until I freaked out thinking about stuff and screwed it up. I have 50/50 time with my kids, and honestly, what I think every single morning is that it's only 11 more years until my youngest is 18. I'll feel less horrible about eating a bullet when they're all grown. I'm a successful attorney, have a family who loves me, am tall, handsome, and am very aware of how many people have it much worse. That doesn't change the fact that each day without my kids is spent alone, all day, and every moment is spent wishing I didn't have to keep breathing.

Good lord that sounds dramatic. I know. But it's true. Any advice is appreciated.