Sorry to post this, but I'm trying to calm myself by writing this out. I decided to quit seeing my art therapist because I'm too depressed to be creative right now, and I don't want to keep wasting everyone's time when I'm beyond saving. Sessions with her have been more like regular therapy, and I have a different T for that. I've only been AT's client for 10 weeks.

I emailed AT yesterday to cancel the scheduled appointment for today. That also happened to be the last one we had on the calendar. I don't feel like I can truly be helped as at is, and I definitely haven't been feeling like art therapy would rescue me. I thought she would at least acknowledge my email so I'd know the appt. was canceled and I wouldn't be charged for not cancelling. I didn't hear from her, and then I got the reminder email and text for the appt.

I called her late in the evening thinking I could just leave her a voice mail telling her to check her email. But, she answered. So, I asked her if she got my email, and she said she did. She was supposedly going to call me, but I called before she had a chance. She said she'd like to see me to wrap things up. It is extremely difficult for me to say no, so I agreed. She did say that I didn't have to, but she thought it would be a good idea.

Now, I'm on the verge of a panic attack and can't sleep because I'm worried about what the session is going to be like. In all honesty, I want to quit working with her because I want to quit all therapy. I don't believe anyone can help me. I already know what I need to do, and I'm set on it when the time comes. I want to distance myself from both therapists so I don't cause them any problems later. And I don't want them to do anything to try to "help" me.

Now I have to go face her in person tomorrow. I need to hold to my position with her that I don't believe creativity blocks are my main issue right now. I don't want to tell her any other reasons. But, I am weak in the face of personal interaction, and I don't want to lie. I just wish I could have told her on the phone that I wasn't going back.

I have to end with T at some point, too. I know that's going to be even harder because I've been seeing her for almost two years and I have a much stronger connection with her.

Vent session over. Hope I can get a couple of hours of sleep...