I thought I was doing better, I guess my thoughts have been deceiving me. I started on my way out of depression, good I can finally be myself again, maybe....last time I went to the pdoc he said it sounded to him like I was manic. I had a med adjustment and kept on beeing busy,busy busy. Mind was always racing and was begining to feel on top of everything and was begining to get my life under control. Time goes by and I am getting extremely irritable, so everyone says.

I then receive a notice from my mortgage company saying the last two payment have been returned marked NSF wonderful!!! Only $4000.00 will take care of my balance. Went to the bank to hear there are only $1500.00 in overdraft fees on previous checks!!Even better. So I told my husband what I did, of course he was upset, not at me just the situation.

It was almost like a trigger that had gone off in my head and I went from being somewhat ok to completely psychotic. It took two full grown men to hold me down so I wouldn't hurt myself. I somehow managed to break dishes, cabinet doors, bedroom door, flush my pills...all of them, and hold a knife to my husbands and brothers throats.

Now my husband and brother managed to keep me safe to a point for over two hours until I started crying and finally calmed down and took his valium because I had nothing left. I went to sleep and they cleaned up my mess. The next day I ONLY REMEMBER ABOUT 20 MIN AOR AS TO WAHT HAPPENED that scares me, the whole thing scares me.They almost had called 911 to have me detained.

Anyways after I think I have calmed down I decided to write in my journal and realized 2 days prior to my freak out session i made a list of why I should live and why I should not, also were some poems, very dark scary poems, all of which I don't even remember writing. All of this happened so fast it was like i was looking at myself from outside my body saying what the hell are you doing and you need to snap out of it but i could not for the life of me stop.

I have had episodes before but never like this and never thought of ending my life. I am scared and feel completely ashamed of my actions both finanially and pysically. I am sorry for this beeing so long but i needed to get it out and i know that i will not be judged here. any suggestions to prevent this from happening again or how to deal with cleaning up the mess after would begreatly appreciated.--Jen