Today is Yom Kippor, the Jewish day of atonement. We blew it off, quit the temple. I'm so broken down physically and mentally.

Year after year we observed it, my h promising me that he would change and make me happy. Just lies.

He woke up this morning and we had a discussion where he admitted how his whole issue is that he has to be large and in charge at work and when he comes home he just wants to be passive and withdrawn, even when it comes to sex. This is simply just who he is, he admits.

I get it.

I said 'so i guess God put us together to make those great kids, but we are not compatible'. I said 'what would we do back in the 'old country'? Just despise each other and then die. Try to get along as friends and then die. People died a lot younger in those days.

Then he found a service online and prayed. He came in and said the same BS to me about how he is going to change, yada yada yada... same lies. I called him out on it.

Now he went back to sleep. Is that really atoning, when you go to sleep? He escaped his talk with God. Cop out. Phoney. A hole.

Took a vow of 'till death do us part' and hoping for death. Been feeling this way for so many years. Praying for something to happen to free me from this hell. Feeling too helpless to do it myself. Every time i've left, i've come back.

Why am i suffering in a hell of my own making?

Depression? MI? PD? Just a victim of circumstance? Learned helplessness?

I am a really great person. I make friends and lovers easily.

I need to find the strength to shut out the negativity somehow. Can i physically get away? Can i mentally get away?